A Reminder

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According to last.fm, my most scrobbled track in the past five years is Radiohead’s 4 Minute Warning. 

I know for a fact this information is wrong. It says I’ve listened to it 191 times. No way. That’s at least 191 times. But most importantly, I’ve listened to other tracks many more times. Unfortunately, last.fm hasn’t scrobbled everything I’ve tossed in my ears (though I desperately wish it had just for the fun of data and nostalgia).

That said, there is a story, of course, behind all of those 4 Minute Warning scrobbles. And it’s all about adjustment, building, and moving to / leaving New York City (or any city, for that matter).

In March 2009, I was on my first real vacation from work in three years. Three years - WTF!

I missed my graduate school friends from years earlier, who, by then, were living and working for the EU in Brussels. They had planned a reunion. I flew over and made a longer vacation out of it. Few days’ trip solo to Köln to see Pantha du Prince before our weekend together and quite a bit of time in London and Oxford afterward. 

In the middle of the trip, I received the blunt notification from my boss that I would be moving to NYC four days after my arrival back to San Francisco, where I was currently living and working. Mentally, I had been preparing to move for a bit - work mentioned they’d eventually require it - but not like this. Not this last minute uprooting.

I had lived in San Francisco for three years. Longer than any other place outside Minnesota. I wasn’t prepared to stay there for life. In fact, I was ready to move on. But I wasn’t prepared for a move I didn’t know was going to be so painful.

I arrived back to SF from London and nine hours later, the movers were at my apartment door. Ten hours after that, my life was in boxes. A somewhat familiar feeling but again, this time, too last minute. A control that was out of my hands.

I arrived in NYC four days later. Luckily I already found an apartment while trolling Craigslist in Brussels and Oxford two weeks prior. I stayed in corporate housing for the first three weeks while my stuff was traveling across the United States. 

I plunged myself back into working too much. Refusing to accept how difficult it was to desperately try hard not to resent and blame both New York City and my friends for my low feelings and homesickness.

Work got crazier. I worked more. I went out a lot. But I often left early and roamed the streets of Manhattan by myself. Often so embarrassed or frustrated by how emotional I was. I wanted it to stop but I also cuddled up to the cozy blanket of sadness. After all, I knew that it would lead to happiness later.

Early on, a coworker told me it was the rainiest spring New York ever had when I moved over. But I didn’t mind at all. I didn’t want it to be sunny until I was ready.

Being ready took more than three months.

In that time, I had a few tracks on heavy rotation. Over and over and over, I walked from my Gramercy Park apartment to the gym, ran for miles. Took it back to the streets, walking over to the west side for work, then back to the pavement again. Same tracks. Same feelings. 

The track I had on the most was 4 Minute Warning. 

I had controlled every move up until this moment. Six countries, many cities, and my own independent choice as to when and why I’d move. Not this time. So my resentment for NYC was deep. Too much happened before the move. Too much was happening after.

I was of this mindset:

Don’t tell me to cheer up since I have ‘so many friends’ in NYC. Who are these people, really? Don’t suggest all of the new friends I should hang out with. What bars to go to. What the shortcut is from my apartment to my gym. What pizza place has the best thin crust. What subway line is the most direct from Chelsea to Park Slope, Brooklyn. I didn’t want to hear about your own move and how easy it was. Oh, and that because I’ve traveled and moved a lot, this move should be easy? No. It never is. Let me figure this out.

Defensive for the first three months. I was just adjusting.

But of course I wanted to hear all of those suggestions and easing thoughts to cheer me up. I just needed to wait and be ready for them to sync in. And they did. 

I moved to NYC at the end of March, 2009. By the end of June, I started to come around. I ended up loving my time in NYC so much that when I left in April 2010 for Berlin, all of my friends were completely shocked. 

But they knew why. And they knew I wasn’t running. I was just trying.

And so it goes. When too much happens at once, difficult relationships end, a job becomes what you don’t want anymore, and a city of stress doesn’t forgive you because it has 8 million other people to deal with, perhaps then, you feel it’s time to leave and start anew. Afterall, if you loved a city so much, and it’s not going anywhere, even if you don’t want it ever again, it will still be there for you, if just only for a visit.

And so will this track. Which I had back on heavy rotation when I arrived in Berlin. An independent move but still a massive adjustment. It got easier. A bit faster. Because it was my choice and I processed it my way. But it was still painful.

They all are.

“I don’t wanna hear it,
I don’t wanna know.
I just wanna run and hide.

This is just a nightmare.
But soon I’m gonna wake up.
Someone’s gonna bring me ’round.

This is a warning. 4 minute warning.”